Once Upon A Death Note
by Hershey's Chocolate Bar
Summary: People say you can't live without love...L thinks oxygen is more important. And this, my lovelies, is my attempt at writing Death Note crack one-shots. Do be kind. R&R!
1. Hot Chocolate

"You're supposed to press harder to get it to come out, Light-kun."

"I am pressing! I just don't want this stuff to get everywhere!"

Matsuda pressed his ear closer to the kitchen door. His stomach growled reminding him why he was there in the first place. If only someone wasn't doing the nasty in there he wouldn't be so hungry!

"Try shaking it again then pressing", he heard L say.

"Ugh, it's not working!"

"Light-kun, you are completely useless in this matter."

"Well I'm sorry if this…this THING isn't working properly!" Light huffed.

"It was working fine yesterday, I'm sure you're just not doing it right", L murmured.

By now Matsuda could feel the heat radiating off his face. What was he doing eavesdropping anyways? Wouldn't the wise decision be to leave quietly before he is caught?

"L, either you shut up or I won't give you any."

"Would Light-kun really deprive me of such sweetness? Hm, this certainly raises your Kira percentage by ten percent."

If Matsuda's face was red before, he'd put a tomato to shame by now. Why did they have to do _it _in the kitchen? Wouldn't it be more comfortable in a more private room where no one could innocently come by for a snack to only realize that someone was degrading a very sacred place? No, Matsuda would not stand for this! How dare they ruin such a wonderful place with their disgusting activities!

And with that in mind, he kicked the door down. There stood L and Light, fully clothed, with a can of strawberry flavored whip cream and two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. Matsuda mentally face-desked. When had he acquired such a dirty mind?

"Oh, hey Matsuda, want some hot chocolate?"Light asked. "L wants whip cream in his but the can isn't working right."

"It is working properly; Light-kun just has a very weak thumb."

Matsuda sweat dropped. "I'll just go now…I kind of lost my appetite…"

"Are you sure-oh, hey the cream is finally coming out!"

Matsuda had never ran so fast in his life.

* * *

**I'm so, so, so, so sorry if you don't like it! **


	2. Surprise!

**Author's Note: I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE, sadly…anyways! This is my first Death Note fanfic and I will continue this as a one-shot type of thing. I will take requests & am open to write anything…maybe…I hope you all like & my deepest apologies if you hated it! (TT~TT)**

* * *

Nate River, commonly known as Near, sat in his usual position stacking die after die into a tall tower. It had been years since his involvement in the Kira case and now he found himself with a quite mind boggling predicament—his bipolar girlfriend. It had only begun three weeks ago but now every time she'd say his name, he'd catch himself flinch slightly.

"Honey bear, I'm home!...Near? Nate!"

Speak of the devil. He sighed deeply. "I'm in the study."

The door to his office creaked opened and a brunette poked her head inside. Cerulean blue eyes scanned the entire room until they landed on their target. She smiled brightly and barged in, seating herself in a chair directly in front of Near's desk.

"I have a question and I want your honest answer, Near."

At this he briefly glanced up from his tower and cleared his throat. Surely she can't be breaking up with him. Then again, that would _kind of_ explain her sudden mood changes. She probably just got bored of playing with Legos and robots.

"What is it Asami?" He monotoned.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Um…do…do you think I'm…fat?"

Ever so slightly, his left eyebrow quirked up at the strange question. He delicately stacked another die onto the tower. He sighed again.

"Honestly, you look fine; but I guess a few sit ups wouldn't hurt."

Asami couldn't help the death glare she was giving her boyfriend of three years. "E-Excuse me?" Shock and anger clearly evident in her voice.

"Oh and you should get those mood swings checked too. I'm sure that's not normal."

She stood up abruptly making the chair's legs scrape against the linoleum floor. Of course, Near being Near, just ignored her thinking it was time for another melodramatic 'episode'. He thought wrong. In a matter of seconds his tower was sent flying across his desk, and his office door was being slammed shut. He could vaguely hear the word 'asshole' echo throughout the living room downstairs.

_**Later that day…**_

The front door quietly opened and closed once again as Asami entered the house she shared with Near. Silently, she made her way to the living room only to find her boyfriend curled up on the love seat watching Transformers. She rolled her eyes but at the same time smiled at his child-like behavior.

"Hey, Near?"

"Yes, Asami?" His eyes were still glued to the television.

"I have something to tell you."

He glanced at her but his attention remained plastered to the screen. "Go on…"

"Well, I went to the doctor today for a checkup and…" she inhaled deeply. "…I'm pregnant."

"That's nice…wait…what?" Eyes no longer on the TV, he stared at her completely shocked. How did this happen? _When_ did this happen? Well…there was that time with the Legos…

Asami smiled meekly and pulled out a confetti popper. She opened it with a loud POP, sprinkling its contents all over Near's snow white hair.

"Surprise…?"


	3. Fangirl Mail 1

Mello

Dear Mels,

First of all, can I call you Mels? No? TOO FREAKIN' BAD! Second of all, OMGZ! I can't believe I know where you live now! Did you know that you sleep walk? OMGZ, it's sooo kawaii ~! I love how you sleep in the nude~ You have such a cute and perky butt. Oh, and I love your beautiful, golden girly hair! And your leather fetish is sooo sexy!

OMGZ, and I absolutely love, love, LOVE your skin! It's so pretty, and soft, and flawless! Trust me, I've touched it. You must use a lot of lotion or you just have naturally gorgeous skin. I'm so jellys! But whateves, you're still my husband. Well not yet since I still need to get someone to legalize it. Soon, Mihael Keehl, you will be mine!

Anywhoozies—after we get married we're gonna have thirteen children~! Since thirteen is your fave number, we shall have thirteen kiddies! They'll look just like you! We'll be together forever and ever, and ever~! I loves you sooo much Mello!

Yours truly and foeva!

~Your future wife xoxoxo

* * *

_**Dear psycho stalker,**_

_**I'm gay.**_

_**Yours never,**_

_**Mello**_


	4. A, B, C

**Author's note: My inspiration was a video on YouTube, I forgot what it was called though...meep! Anywhoos, enjoy! And thank you for favoriting and following! It makes my day to know that someone actually reads my (compared to most) horrible drabbles. FYI, they might be a little OOC since I don't know much about Roger and BB.**

A young toddler stood outside Roger's office door, jumping up and down trying to grasp the brass door knob. His bright red eyes glimmered with mischief. Beyond Birthday's little pale chubby hand grazed the knob before finally turning it and pushing it open. He peeked his head through, crimson eyes scanning the room looking for said Roger. When young BB had found his target, a menacing grin spread across his face.

"Mister Roger...?"

Roger's eyes glanced up from the paperwork he was currently doing at his desk to see BB standing at the doorway. "What do you want BB?"

"I'm learning the alphabet, would you like to hear it?"

Roger sighed, rather annoyed. "I'm busy right now, BB."

BB pouted. "Aw, but I really wanted to show you..."

Roger fixed his gaze at the toddler to glare at him, but just couldn't once he saw the little boy standing in front of his desk with big innocent eyes and a quivering lip. He was definitely going to regret this.

Roger sighed once again. "Alright, let's hear it."

BB grinned and began to recite the song he worked so hard on. "A is for Amber who drowned in a pool, B is for Billy who was eaten by ghouls. C is for Curt with disease of the brain, D is for Daniel derailed-"

"NO! Nope, nope, no, no, no..." Roger quickly ushered the young BB out of his office. "I will set up an appoint for the therapist as soon as possible."

Needless to say BB had gotten the reaction he wanted from Roger and has managed to give the therapist a hell of a good scare.

**My apologies if you all hated it **** So yeah, I will be taking requests from now on 'nuff said.**


	5. Kiss

**Author's note: This chapter is going to be my very first reader insert, so do be kind. If you've never read a reader insert story before, it's quite simple. Just place your first name and last name where it says [f/n] and [l/n] or eye color where it says [e/c] or hair color and length in [h/c] and [h/l]. Ok? Again, I do not own Death Note or you for that matter. If I did...the whole anime would have ended up differently.**

When you first met the detective, you practically tackled him out of his chair into a tight embrace. It was just so cute how he sat and how his owl-like eyes would study you when you talked to him. Some might say that you developed a small crush on him, but you being you, denied such things. You were there strictly for business purposes even though it was impossible _not _to love someone as adorkable as L. Yes, you described him as adorkable behind his back. And you decided to keep it that way.

"Miss [l/n], I must ask you a very important question," L monotoned, not keeping his eyes off of the computer screen.

Raising a questioning eyebrow you replied with a simple, "Yeah...?"

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Uh..." The question came out of nowhere. It just so happened that the rest of the task force was not there at the moment for it was lunch time. You stayed behind so L wouldn't be left all alone. Sure he had Watari but still. You liked spending some time alone with the detective, even if it was spent in silence. It was never awkward like with Light or Matsuda.

Sighing, you answered truthfully. No need to lie, right? "Um, no I don't."

"Really? I thought you would. You are quite the catch, I wonder what's holding you back." He spun in his swivel chair, his dark orbs examining you closely. You opened your mouth to speak, but found yourself being cut off by a pair of warm lips that tasted like strawberry frosting.

"Wait, are we normally this close of a distance to each other?" You thought.

It was just a chaste peck, yet you felt the full effect of fireworks and the zoo animals stampeding in your stomach. A small smile graced his pale face as he took in your shocked expression. He patted your head before sitting back down and continued typing.

"I will inform the rest of the task force of our new relationship when they return, is that alright with you?"

You knew that L was blunt, but you never thought he'd be that straightforward! He didn't even know your true feelings! Or did he? Damn, that Misa must have squealed about something she read in your journal. She was so gonna get it when she returned.

"[y/n]?"

You noticed L staring at you. It could have been your mind playing tricks but you thought you saw sadness in his eyes. It wasn't that you didn't like him, because you did. You shrugged off the nagging feelings that your insecurities were giving you. You gave him a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, go ahead."

He gave another small smile, and for once you thanked Misa for being nosy.

**Eh, I guess not bad for my first reader insert. Bleh. I could do better, but I'm kinda in a rush right now. Anywhoos, review, favorite, and all that other crud. Thank you for reading~!**


	6. Rubix Cube

Mello slumped further down the burgundy couch as the rubix cube he was currently working on seemed to confuse him even more. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration; his hands quickly working and switching the sides of the cube. He was so going to beat that bastard Near at something, even if it took him all day. Lately, Near had been getting on Mello's nerves more so than usual. Like, seriously, who has hair that white? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO! Geez, as if Nate MacEmopants River needs any more attention than he already gets from L.

So, with that in mind, Mello continued to savagely twist and turn the cube. His mantra: 'Today I will beat Near!' repeated in his head over and over again like a broken record. Near was going to rue the day he decided to be better than Mello! One side of the cube was finished, and only five were left. Mello mentally cheered and continued to twist and turn the colorful cube. However, as always, the rubix cube always gets the better of the person trying to solve it. It always happens. That one square that just decides to be fucking yellow when the rest of that side is blue, and the last blue square is practically mixed up with the rest of the yellows. And no matter how many times you twist and turn, the colors only get even more mixed up.

The rubix cube is made to test your ability to solve puzzles, but it's mostly made to test your patience. Mello, on the other hand, has run very low on patience (not that he had any to begin with). So now that his rubix cube was all mixed up again, Mello trembled with anger. Growling, he threw the cube across the living room making it hit the wall with a loud 'BANG'. He slumped further down the couch, crossed his arms across his chest, and glared maliciously at the infamous cube that could drive anyone who tried to solve it insane. Anyone who tried to solve it, but Near. The damn albino bastard.

He walked past a sulking Mello noticing the discarded rubix cube on the floor looking oh so tempting. Sighing, Near approached the cube and began to twist the sides. In approximately three seconds he had completed the red side. The rest of the cube was completed without Near breaking a single sweat. He placed the cube on the coffee table in front of Mello.

What Near said next, stung Mello to the very core. "If you can't win the game, if you can't solve the puzzle, then you're nothing more than a loser."

With that said, Near left, the only sound being made by his sock clad feet. Mello exhaled a shuddery breath and in one swift motion, he had his favorite silver revolver twirling in his hand.

"The bitch is so dead!"


	7. Ringtone

It was testing day at Daikoku Private Academy. The room was dead silent with the exception of scribbling pencils against paper. Light Yagami was prepared, obviously, to ace the exam. Today he was going to get the highest score, flaunt it in that stupid student body president's face, and eat a tub of Cookies an' Cream ice cream. Today, he was going to—_**I pick all my skirts to be a little too sexy, just like all my thoughts they always get a bit naughty, when I'm out with my girls I always play a bit bitchy. Can't change the way I am! Sexy, naughty, bitchy me!**_

On instinct, everyone looked up from their test papers to look for the girl with the embarrassing ringtone. It was only logical to think that it did belong to one of the girls in the class, however Light already knew who it was…and he was trying oh so desperately to turn his phone off!

_Crap, crap, crap! Damn touch screens, didn't I turn this piece of shit off?! Who's calling me anyways?! _

Just as Light was going to 'subtly' reach into his back pocket to turn his phone off (because apparently he didn't this morning) it stopped ringing. He sighed visibly relieved. _Thank God! _But as soon as everyone turned back to their test—_**I'm the kind of girl that girls don't like, I'm the kind that boys fantasize**__—_"GOD DAMMIT!"

Everyone, including the teacher, was taken aback by Light's outburst. The normally quiet young man stood up making the chair scrape against the floor in an unpleasant manner and dug into his pocket for his phone. He fished it out just in time to press the 'end call' button. He huffed in frustration and sat back down, preferring to not meet anyone's eyes.

For some reason, though, Fate was not on his side today. _**I**_ _**like all of my shorts to be a little too shorty, unlike all my guys, I like them tall with money. I love all my nights to end a little bit nasty. Can't change the way I am, sexy, naughty, bitchy me!**_

Finally giving in, because apparently this person won't ever stop calling him, and not wanting to be embarrassed any longer; he answered the dreaded phone.

"Hello…?" He muttered.

"Haruka-chan~!" On the other line was a high pitched voice.

Light face-palmed. "Wrong number."

He didn't even let the person answer him back. He pressed the 'end call' button once again and this time turned his phone off before placing back into his pocket. He could feel the eyes of everyone one of his fellow peers on him. His teacher was the first to speak.

"Mr. Yagami, if you will…." The teacher now stood in front of his desk motioning to a plastic bag filled with the student's other electronics. Rather reluctantly, Light once again retrieved his phone from his pocket and let it plop into the plastic bag.

His teacher then did something Light never expected. He leaned in close and whispered in his ear, " I heard you like your nights to end a bit nasty. Meet me after class~"

Aw hell no.

**Author's note: I regret nothing~! /is shot/**


	8. Carpeting

**Author's Note: So I've had this drabble laying around for awhile and as a matter of fact, it was my first Death Note one-shot~ Anyways, I barely found it again and thought I'd put it on here. It's probably pretty sucky since I was barely getting accustomed writing fanfiction. So yeah...enjoy! ^-^**

A cigarette hung from his mouth and he held a red Nintendo in his hands repeatedly pressing the buttons. His reddish brown hair was tousled from the times he had ran his hand through it when he missed a zombie. The apartment was eerily quiet. He didn't mind though since it helped him concentrate. But now that he thought about it...where could his leather obsessed blond friend be?

Matt paused his game when Mello suddenly rushed it and placed a black cowboy hat on his head. As quickly as he came in, Mello had disappeared. He looked around the apartment for a while but shrugged it off and continued to shoot the zombies.

"Hey there cowboy", Mello called sweetly from the doorway of his bedroom.

Rather annoyed, Matt paused the game once again. Mello stood not too far away from him wearing a black leather vest, black leather skinny jeans with matching black boots and...a pink feather boa? What he found funny, and a bit shocking, was the bright pink whip tucked in Mello's back pocket.

"Matt, I'm curious..." He smirked.

"'Bout what?" There was a bit of an uncertain feeling in Matt's voice.

Mello's smirk widened into a devilish grin. "Tell me, Matt, does the carpeting match the drapes~?"

Matt raised a questioning eyebrow. "Uh well, honestly Mels, yellow blue flower print curtains don't really match the ugly green carpet."

He returned to his game and continued to shoot the fast approaching zombies. Not a second too soon he felt a toaster pelt his head.


	9. Shark

It was hot. Really hot. And when the weather is really hot, Mello turns into a whiny bitch (more so than usual). So when Japan got hit with a 109 degree heat wave, Matt made sure to avoid Mello at all costs.

"Matt!" Crap. Matt flinched at the sound of Mello's screech. _Fuck! Bitch, didn't even give me enough time to look for a good hiding spot._

Matt internally panicked as he clumsily jumped over the couch and stumbled into the corner of the room. The closet was just too easy and Mello would find him in no time. He stuck a lampshade over his head for extra coverage, hoping that Mello would be fooled by his oh so clever disguise. The stomping of feet made him shiver and press himself closer to the wall.

"Matt, where the hell are you, you lil shit!"

Matt heard the scuffling of Mello's boots against the tile floor as he entered the living room. He held in his breath as Mello rushed to the closet and flung the door open. Mello inspected ever millimeter of the closet, eyeing the coats carefully for any strands of red hair. He found none. Sighing, he slammed the door closed and glared maliciously at it as if blaming it for his best friend's disappearance.

"Fuck-nugget, I will find you", determination etched itself to Mello's face as he stormed out the room, not giving it a second glance. Well, that is until he heard _it_. The sound of a shuddering breath of relief. A wolfish grin found itself tugging at Mello's lips. He turned around slowly as to not scare the victim of his torture. Again, Mello inspected every detail of the living room. He noted the slight imprint of a butt on the couch and his grin widened. Oh, Matt was definitely here.

And then, there he was. He was pressed to the corner of the room with a stupid lampshade over his face. Mello looked at his best friend curiously. What the actual fuck was he thinking? He rolled his eyes, stormed over to his friend and practically ripped the lampshade off of his head. Matt stared up at him with innocent eyes, but frankly Mello didn't have time for that crap. It was time to execute his plan.

"You. Me. Pool. Right now." He yanked Matt up from his sitting position by the elbow and dragged him to the inflatable pool at the back of their apartment building. He threw Matt into the pool first, not caring that he was still fully clothed and that he practically spilled half of the water. He, however, took his time undressing. Step one of his awesome plan: get naked in front of your crush (or at least half naked). Time for step two.

Mello carefully slid down into the water, making sure it was the right temperature by first dipping in his big toe. Not unlike Matt, who was carelessly tossed in like a handbag. He smirked as Matt kicked his boots off, and uncomfortably peeled his shirt off.

"Let's play a game."

Matt glared at his leather obsessed friend. "What kind of game…?"

"It's called Shark. The rules are simple. One of us has to dive under with our eyes closed and has to tag the other. Then the person who was tagged will be it."

Matt rolled his eyes. "Sounds like a stupid game."

No, it's not! Now, dive under 'cause you're it!"

"Why do I have to be it?!"

"'Cause I said so, now get down!" Mello pushed Matt's head under the water. At this rate, he was going to drown him.

Matt flapped his arms violently against the water. What had he done to deserve this? He felt the pressure of Mello's hand leave his head, leaving him free to swim. He remembered to close his eyes, not because of the stupid game, but because the chlorine was starting to badly sting his eyes. His goggles were on his head, but he figured that would be going against the rules of the stupid, pointless game. But whatever. Anything to make Mello happy (oh the sarcasm).

He swam around the pool's perimeter, hoping to catch Mello's foot. He swam once, then twice and felt nothing. Surely one of the rules mentioned that all players had to stay IN the pool. He growled, clearly annoyed by his best friend's antics.

He swam around the edge of the pool once again; grazing the bottom of it with his finger tips. Then, he felt something. Matt poked it, uncertain of what dangerous things Mello could have snuck in. It felt soft and long-ish. Confused, Matt gripped the unknown object tighter. It jolted but then relaxed. Oh, it was definitely human now. Matt grinned, popping his head out of the water.

"Tag! You're it." He noticed the grin on Mello's face. What was this idiot smiling about?

"What?"Matt questioned.

Mello leaned in so his breath hit Matt's neck, he whispered in his ear, "You do know what you're touching, right~?"

Matt looked down at what he was touching. His eyes widened and he mouthed a silent 'O' with his lips. Mello smirked. Step three went even better than he could have hoped for.


End file.
